One of my best friends once said to me, “When I was in my twenties, I was afraid to live. Now that I’m in my thirties, I’m afraid to die.”
I’m not sure if that’s what was going on with me, but it would explain how I lived and how I’m living. When I was in my twenties, I did nothing. I had no ambition – and I’m not talking career, I’m talking about life. I had nothing that I strived for in life. I did nothing but live from day to day doing ordinary things like watching TV and sleeping through the weekends.
When my thirties came along, I looked back and I looked around me and thought: everyone else has been living, but I haven’t lived these past ten years. I’ve just let my life go by. All of the things that I dreamed about doing as a teenager when I was living at home with my parents and following their rules, I hadn’t done them. I had even forgotten about them (and it wasn’t easy to remember them either). That fear of missing out? Well in my case I hadn’t felt the fear, but it had happened – I had missed out. I now was hit with the bigger fear of missing out on life – of having already missed out on life. Ten years lost with so little to show for it. How many more years did I have left to realize some of my dreams? (Yes, unfortunately some dreams are restricted to specific ages). In fact, it became clear to me that I would not be able to chase down all my dreams (I think even if I had started ten years earlier, there would not be the time).
The person I was in my twenties is not who I am now. It’s strange how different we are – complete opposites. Back then, dreams were for dreaming at night in bed or daydreaming as I stared out a train window, but not for living. Today, dreams are about living – I have a dream and try to make it real or I have a dream and consciously choose not to realize it in this lifetime so that I can chase another dream (but oh do I hope that there are many more lives after this one because I have so many dreams).