Everybody deserves a second chance. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. That’s what I thought and that’s the advice I followed (my own advice). I’m not sure where this advice came from – was it hope or fear? Or was it a case of nothing to lose? After all, by staying I was only risking finding myself at the same crossroads later. Little did I know, that that decision was the first chip at my self-esteem. After the second chance, came the third – after all, I had already given a second chance and I didn’t want that second chance to be for nothing. I was a gambler becoming more and more addicted and losing more and more self-respect and self-love. Just one more dollar and then I could win it all back. Just one more chance and then I would get all of the love back.
I spiraled further and further down into despair. The crimes committed against me were bigger and bigger. You would think that each crime would hurt more than the previous one, but gradually I got use to the abuse and the neglect. I became numb. My capacity for pain – and my capacity for happiness – diminished.
So this is what I would do over. I would not give that second chance. I would not give the benefit of the doubt. I would risk being wrong to protect me, to love me, to continue my pretty happy single life. Would I miss out on true love by doing this? No. Treating myself like I deserved less is what would make me miss out on true love – because who can truly love when they don’t love themselves? I gave away a lot of love making room in my life for someone who could not love me. That is not a mistake I’ll make again. In the future, there will always be one person in my life who loves me – that would be me – and, if I’m lucky, maybe even a second person – but I will never remove any of my self-love for them – never again!
Sorry! I realize that my blog posts have a rather repetitive theme. It’s just a phase that I’m going through – one that will hopefully be over soon. Hope I’m not too miserable to read.
Some music to accompany your reading: Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time