“You’re gonna find someone new. I really hope you do.” – Eskobar
You never know when you’re going to meet that someone – that someone you were meant to be. You cannot know at what moment you will be introduced to your true self, or if it will ever happen. For me, it was when a dream came true.
I didn’t know I had this dream. I didn’t even know that I had dreams. Those questions about where do you see yourself in five years… Well, I couldn’t answer them. I could see as far as the next weekend or, at most, as far as the next vacation. Plans were made for the next few weeks or months, never more, and these plans consisted of little more than social events or holidays – a very shallow life.
Then I was presented with this opportunity and I recognized it as a dream. It wasn’t an opportunity that I could grab like that. To seize it, I had to compete, I had to become a better version of me. I had to become someone else, only I didn’t understand that yet. I knew that I had to get fit – ditch the party lifestyle, quit smoking, eat healthy, do sports. I didn’t realize that doing all of these things would transform me into someone else – into the real me. By becoming physically healthy, I also became mentally healthy. Neither of these was as straightforward as it sounds. I had injuries that handicapped me temporarily sports-wise and I had to face all the demons that were lurking in the shadows to achieve my cleaner mind. My courage failed me many times, but deep down inside I found this determination that I never knew I had. I embarked on a journey to me when I thought I was just going to climb a mountain.
That dream lead to the next one. I stumbled upon it as I was progressing towards the realization of the first dream. And through that one, the one after that. Now dreams are popping up all over the place. Even in my darkest moments, dreams are born. Yet a little over two years ago, I couldn’t name a single dream, nor describe a single passion. I don’t know when I lost sight of my dreams, but I do know when I found them again. I also know that my dreams and me are one and the same. When I lost the dreams, I lost me too – or was it the other way round?
But this isn’t a fairy tale. There is no happy ending. Thank goodness for that! That would imply that it’s all over. No more dreams ahead.
Now that I’ve found me, life isn’t easier or wonderful. Life is just as hard or maybe even harder than before, but now I know which tools I’m carrying in my toolbox and I know they’re all the tools I’ll ever need to get through life. True wonder is within my reach. I feel it as my dreams come true.
It’s far too easy to lose yourself. If you’re not careful, it can happen without you even noticing. For some reason or other, you pretend to be something you’re not and then soon enough you become something you’re not, with the fake dreams to match the fake person you are. I still often deviate from me. I match someone’s bad behavior with equally bad behavior. I voice a general opinion before reflecting on what my own opinion is… But these days I catch myself quickly and backtrack to me.
Now that I’ve finally found me, I’m never letting me go.
Some music to accompany your reading: Eskobar – Someone New