We live in the now, but we spend a lot of our time looking forwards or backwards. When we look backwards, we look with nostalgia or regret. When we look forwards, we look with hope or dread. The present often colors what we see in the future or the past. Our perception changes everything.
Right now the world is turning, the blood is pumping through my veins, muscles are twitching, neurons are firing in my brain… Decisions need to be made. Right now an action or a non-action is occurring and impacting my future. Right now I am in the present and almost in the future. I can never be in the future and I can never be in the past. I am always leaving one to reach the other. I am forgetting the past and dreaming the future, but mentally I am not here right now in the only place I can really ever be.
A small lesson in how to love myself from one of my closest friends who has taught me so much in this area.
Do we ever get found or do we just get too busy to notice that we are lost? Do our social lives, children, work, etc. keep us so distracted that we don’t notice that our lives are meaningless? Or do the things that keep us busy give our lives meaning? They fill the emptiness.
I gave a name to my pain. She was fat and ugly… and loved. While I was skinny, conventionally pretty and unloved. Despite my appearance, my efforts, my irreproachable behavior, my personality… I didn’t have what it took. I didn’t deserve the love she had known – the love that was so strong that even the memory of it eclipsed any affection held for me. I fought tooth and nail, gave all of me and more – but still did not get an ounce of what she had.
I would sit there in the metro and stare at them – all these people, all these expressionless faces. Their lives were full of meaning. I was sure of it. I could feel it. After all, nobody else was looking around for way-points, for directions, for clues as to what they were meant to be doing, feeling, thinking…
The lights went out and the reality poured in. Truth wiped out lies – lies that had been taken for truth. One reality replaced another tearing down every tree in its path and leaving a sprawling desert behind. Day turned to night. The darkness swirled around searching through every nook and cranny, extinguishing every spark. The former reality crumbled under the new reality. How delicate it had really been and yet it had seemed so solid, so reliable, so real… But it was false – just a believable story. And she had been so gullible, so easy to convince.