Losing It

You've got to get lost to get found

Happy Effing New Year!

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It’s the end of the year. I hate this date.


As people scramble to find and prepare their parties of the year, I cringe and wish for the eve to be over. The expectations for this evening are always too high. The party of the year? More like the letdown of the year! And it’s so depressing to end the year on a disappointment. So what do you do? Do you ignore the frenzy and stay home with a cup of hot cocoa? No! Society’s judgement weighs on your shoulders and sinks your self-esteem to new depths. Stay at home? Have you no life? But if your mind does manage to dodge society’s expectations of you, it will get you in another way. The dreaded FOMO kicks in. What if you had gone out to this party or event? Would you be having the time of your life? Only one way to find out: go out and potentially (probably be disappointed). You’re damned if you do and just as damned if you don’t. One way or another you are a victim of New Year’s Eve.

Parties aside, it is also a date too loaded in meaning. It is a time to look back on the year and assess where you are in life, a time to sort through memories and dreams to decide which to keep, a time to say goodbye to the old and prepare to embrace the new… And you’re meant to fit all that in while preparing for the party of the year! Every year, I think this would be a good time to think things over, work out what I want, figure out where I want to go with my life… But every year, I run out of time. Maybe I ought to stay home and use the time to think (but I know that if I do stay home, I’ll just be worrying about what I’m missing out on and what people will think if I say that I didn’t celebrate new year’s—I’m so pathetically weak!)

I also have no positive associations with this date. It’s supposed to be a time of new beginnings and endings. Beginnings are thought of to be positive, and endings negative—or is it the other way round. Well, they can be both. For me, New Year’s Eve was once a beginning, the beginning of something that seemed great, but that ended on the same date, and the greatness turned out to be an illusion. So what could potentially have been a good New Year’s memory has gone sour.

This past year hasn’t been the easiest. Looking back, I only see and feel the lows. I look on this year as a globally bad year. I really wish I could see the year as a mixture of both good and bad, and focus on the good parts. But the good parts were brief, and the memory of these moments is tainted now and a bitter taste goes with them. So I’m in a way glad that this year is ending and I want it to end quickly—but will next year be better? As yet, I have little hope. The only hope that I have is that it is a new year and should thus offer new experiences, which will take me away from the painful experiences of this past year. Part of me will die and a new part will be born. Out with the old (hopefully the bad) and in with the new (may it be good).

I hope that for you, it will be a positive time!

photo credit: Nomadic Lass via photopin cc


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